The Power of Forgiveness

Thank you @HealthToday Malaysia for the interview May-Jun2022.

Every relationship requires some degree of forgiveness from everyone involved in order to remain strong.

This is because we are all human. Our perceptions and behaviours are flawed, and feeling hurt is inevitable when it comes to being in relationships.

FORGIVENESS IS A WAY TO LET GO AND MOVE ON TO A HAPPIER PLACE

Constantly attributing our present situation to something that happened in the past can end up trapping us in a victim mode.

For example, Mary’s husband left her a few years ago and she insists that her current state of unhappiness is because of that.

Then, one day, she comes to the realization that the only person that she can rely on to improve her situation is herself. She says, “I have to solve this problem; I have to find a way to heal, and to find happiness again in my life.”

What that realization, she discovers again a sense of control over her life, and finds the resilience to move on from past hurts.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS OR AN ADMISSION OF DEFEAT

The bitter truth is that it is very likely that our forgiveness—or the lack of it—will not impact the life of the person that wronged us. We can be holding on to our anger and hurt, while the other person may be living a happy life instead.

Let’s say that someone cuts you with a knife. You get angry, and keep chasing after that person, screaming at him and perhaps hoping to exact revenge. Eventually, you collapse from your injury and exhaustion.

What happens when you decide to stop chasing after the person that cut you? You can now tend to your wound. You then stop bleeding. You can now think with a clearer head, so that you can decide what you want to do next.

That’s what forgiveness really is about. By embracing forgiveness, we can also embrace peace of mind, hope, and control of our life.

HOW TO BEGIN THE FORGIVENESS JOURNEY

Acknowledge your anger and hurt

Forgiveness requires you to accept and understand your pain. Don’t downplay or deny the wrong done to you, and don’t make excuses for the offender. Accept that you have been hurt, and you have the right to feel hurt.

Accept that you cannot change the past

It is normal to wish that things have been different, or that you have done something to avert the hurt, but there is really nothing you can do about the past. Instead, focus on the future.

Set boundaries

Decide what you need to do to protect yourself from the offender, or other people similar to the offender, hurting you again.

For example, if someone had verbally abused you in the past, you can choose to avoid associating with that person and other people with a similar toxic personality. You can also tell them to cut that out, and that you will not talk to them until they can speak to you in a respectful manner.

Forgiveness isn’t about erasing what the offender did to you or that we are okay with the hurt being done to us. Thus, don’t continue to look for approval from the person who hurt you.

Reflect about the part you played in the hurtful situation

Now, let’s be clear: this is not about blaming yourself over a situation. Instead, this reflection is to determine whether you also have a role to play in instigating or accelerating the situation, and if yes, whether you should also forgive yourself.

Commit to forgiveness

The process of forgiving someone can take time, and it may not be always be easy, but if you have a clear goal in mind, it is easier to achieve that goal. You can confide in someone you trust or seek a counsellor if you experience doubts and require someone to give you emotional support during your journey to forgiveness.

Getting the offender to change their actions or behaviour isn’t the point of forgiveness. Forgiveness is about giving ourselves inner peace, happiness, as well as emotional and spiritual healing. It can take away the power the offender continues to wield over us—making us stronger, not weaker.

In addition to providing professional counselling, Faith Foo is also an author of motivational books for both adults and children. She weaves her advice through relatable anecdotes, parallels to real life, and metaphors as well as allegories both amusing and poignant. Scan the QR code or visit www.faithfoocounseling. com to find out more.