I want to die, but I can’t
- October 2, 2019
- Posted by: admin
- Category: Uncategorized
Depression is the leading cause of disability in the world. This word is more than just a feeling. It is a state where you feel lost- in your direction, purpose and life itself. Because this word is a mental illness, people often find it difficult to comprehend in comparison to physical illnesses such as cancer or kidney failure. Clinical depression is different than feeling depressed. Although it may be caused by certain external factors, it does not usually go away even if you will it to.
About twenty years ago, my life had been busy for many years, serving, and working fulltime, I even travelled a lot with team to different nations. Life seemed so successful and busy. But then one day, things began to change as I found myself in a state I was unfamiliar with.
I felt like crying all the time. I lost my appetite interest in food. Eating no longer became a joy anymore. I just eat for the sake of eating, forcing food down my throat just to feel full. I started to isolate myself because I couldn’t deal with people around me. I locked myself inside my room, turned off the lights and pretended I’m an early bird when in truth, I began to lose sleep. Lying down on my own bed, I began to be haunted by dark thoughts, causing my eyes to swell with tears. “Why must I live?”, was a question I asked myself daily as thoughts of death and suicide ran all over my mind.
Eventually, I met with people who counselled me through this period of life. They opened my mind to think differently and brought about a new understanding to my thinking all together. I was also encouraged by those around me to up some hobbies and once I did, I felt the joy in my life began to return- not all at once, but little by little.
If you are struggling with depression, know that you are not alone and that there are options for you to seek help from such as counselling and psychiatry. Constantly remind yourself that depression is a medical condition, not a weakness or a personality trait and that you cannot will yourself to get over it any more than you can will yourself to get over your broken arm. You are not defined by your depression and you are not alone. It took me awhile to get over my depression, but eventually I found myself again- my purpose and reason for living. I am alive again!
If you’re looking for extra support and guidance through a challenging situation or you’re just ready to move in a new direction in your life, I look forward to working with you to achieve your goals.
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