One of my dreams is writing books. But I have so many past traumatic events in regards to writing in English.
Years ago…
I have someone told me, you shouldn’t attempt pursuing a master programme, the person said “You might have a problem writing your assignments and thesis, you should go to British council sign up for the English programme, improve your English, or else you might not be able to complete your Master programmed.” My heart sank and so broken when that comment was given to me. I wept alone but I don’t have time to waste, I am getting old. With the time factor, I determine to enrolled for the course just aim to pass.
I have friends laughing at my English by putting “s” in every word they said, because I always put “s” in the wrong place. They laughed at me by speaking like this to me: “Yous wants tos gos lunchs withs us?”. It hurts so much, I bleed inside, but outside pretending nothing happened and laugh over it with them.
There were times, I will be frozen looking at the computer screen, so traumatized it will take me hours just to compose two to three sentences of email reply. All this past traumatic experience makes me squirm on the inside. It pains me. It robs away my confident in writing and sharing my experience in life. It makes me lost and afraid to express in my own voice. It silences me and it robs others in hearing my story.
As I reflected on this, the traumas caused my chest to tighten up, I felt the squeezed, is hard to breathe, is still there. The feeling is so strong that I can feel the pain of the younger me. I am sitting here with the pain, that oozing out from my body, I want to weep. Here, I am learning to tune to my body and paid attention to my pain. Breathing in kindness and exhale out my shame.
“I am so sorry for what happened to you. I feel for you. You have worked hard, you have done well. You read a lot and you listen to audio books. I am so proud of you, despite the shame and the negative comments, you have overcome them all, you have plowed through you are fearless Faith! When nobody sees and said that you can! You prove to them they are wrong! You did it, you graduated! You are now a business owner, a boss and a licensed professional.”
Dear reader, when you stand firm and believe in yourself, you don’t need people to tell you, that you can or you cannot. Just trust your inner voice. Is not easy, is painful, no mountain climbing can be easy. Your dream can be reach by you and you alone. Your dream is yours, you can only give birth to your own destiny. You are the author of your life story, how you want it to be and end.
It’s not about who said you can or cannot. It is you. Write your book the way you want it to be. Be your own painter, paint it the way you want it to be. Be the author of your own life.
My own experience in life, has definitely helped me understand my clients’ story of shame and traumas in life. I am not angry with those who contributed to the traumas in my life, in fact, their ignorance has helped make me a more empathic therapist. Helped me understand the pain my clients carried.
“Believe in yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Have faith in your own abilities, work hard, and there is nothing you cannot accomplish.” – Brad Henry
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