My interview by the HealthToday magazine  – November 2020 issue. 

Poets and storytellers wax wonderful things about love. As blissful as being in love could be, however, falling out of love can inflict a whole lot of heartbreak and anguish. For those who have been heartbroken before, or for those who had seen how much hurt a broken relationship could bring, keeping their hearts safe from love may be a safe, sensible option.

Professional counsellor Faith Foo joins us this month to take a closer look at the intricacies of love and heartbreak.

CAN WE LIVE WITHOUT LOVE?

“No!” Faith exclaims. “Love is not just about romance. We can live a life without having a partner, but we can’t live a life without love. We are all built to express love and care, whether it is to our family members, friends, or pets.”

She goes on to explain that the dependency that typically arises from one’s bond of love to another person is actually a fact, not a choice.

Studies have shown that when two people form a close relationship, they can help regulate one another’s psychological and emotional well[1]being. Their physical proximity and their availability to their partner influence the stress response of both parties in a relationship.

“You can’t live as an isolated entity,” she concludes.

UNDERSTANDING WHY WE’RE AFRAID TO LOVE MAY BE THE KEY TO FORMING FUTURE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

“Emotionally important past relationships experiences, both friendly and hostile, can influence the way we experience our present ones,” Faith explains.

She shares that many researchers had reported that our childhood experiences with our parents, teachers, and friends have a huge impact on how we operate as adults.

“If we were raised by caregivers that were erratic in meeting our needs as a child, we tended to become what is known as avoidant infants,” she offers an example. “Avoidant infants usually don’t develop adequate coherent strategy to manage frightening caregivers and overwhelming effects. As a result, when they become adults, they tend to become withdrawing type of partner in their relationships.”

Explaining further, she points out that such behaviour is linked to aggression, dissociation, and withdrawal. “They became afraid of loving, or becoming too attached to another person,” she says.

To illustrate this, Faith points us to the story of Jon and San.

THE STORY OF JON & SAN

Jon is the type of man similar to the person Faith described in the previous page. As an infant, he did not receive essential support system during the developmental phase of his life.

Consequently, as an adult, he trusted only himself. He finds it difficult to understand how important intimacy is in a relationship, and this can manifest during more stormy moments in his marriage to San.

Picture this scenario: Jon comes home late from work one evening.

San tells him, “You always come home late. You don’t care about this family, you just don’t care!”

Jon replies, “If you hate me so much, why did you marry me?” He then storms away.

Faith points out that, in Jon’s point of view, such a threat to the relationship— the wedge between him and his wife due to his late working hours—feels like a threat to his own survival. Hence, he goes into a self-preservation mode. “He frequently withdraws himself from human contact, in this case, his wife, due to his mistrusting nature,” she says.

MENDING THE CRACKS AND BUILDING TRUST

A relationship counsellor can work with a couple like Jon and San to help them learn the skills needed to create a safe space in their relationship.

“Within this safe space, they can have a flow of conversation that is safeguarded, balanced, and fair,” Faith says. “Such balance is important for the couple to realize that this is their safe space, one that is shared together, as opposed to a space that feels safe for only one partner, but not the other.”

Within this safe space, a couple can learn to acknowledge and validate one another, to connect and reach out for one another when dealing with conflicts in their relationship.

“To attain a lasting relationship, you must be tune into your deepest needs and longing and translate them into clear signals that help your partner respond to you,” Faith concludes.

STRENGTHENING EMOTIONAL BONDS IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Faith shares that emotional bond or healthy dependence is the core of romantic love—the most fundamental building block for a lasting relationship.

“Emotional bonds bring about trust and security, knowing that your partner will always be there for you no matter what the circumstances,” Faith elaborates. “They encourage forgiveness and engagement, as well as boost morale. Learning how to foster this emotional bond is vital to a lasting relationship.” She has some advice on how to do this.

STRENGTHEN INTIMACY

Intimacy isn’t solely about sex. “Intimacy in a relationship refers to the sense of closeness and connection shared by the people in that relationship,” Faith explains. “This includes the sharing of each other’s vulnerabilities.”

Hence, we should increase our understanding and awareness of our partner, in order to strengthen the positive connections and intimacy in our relationship.

According to Faith, we should also always try to maintain the sense of fun and friendship that sustain any healthy relationship.

DO OUR PART! “Don’t just focus on your spouse being the source of your problems,” Faith advises. “Even if your partner played a part in creating or perpetuating a problem, you still have lot of control over what you can do to help in the relationship.”

WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN ATTITUDE AND OUR OWN STATE OF MIND How we perceive a situation influences how we react to that situation. Likewise, Faith points out that how we perceive our partner will affect our response to them.

“You can’t change your partner, but you can influence your partner to work with you,” Faith shares.

“Don’t make the mistake of thinking that your partner knows what you want or need,” she adds. “You need to understand that your partner rarely knows what you’re thinking or feeling, much less what you need.”

Faith advises us to express our needs clearly and positively, so that our partner can truly understand how we feel and respond in a similarly positive manner.

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE

If you find the issues in your relationship too overwhelming to manage on your own, don’t be afraid to reach out to a counsellor. A good counsellor will never judge you or share your problems with other people. Their experience in counselling other couples also allows them to offer insight into the issues affecting your relationship, issues that you may not have noticed on your own.

In addition to providing professional counselling, Faith Foo is also an author of motivational books for both adults and children. She weaves her advice through relatable anecdotes, parallels to real life, and metaphors as well as allegories both amusing and poignant. Scan the QR code or visit www.faithfoocounseling. com to find out more.